I’ve always been quite good at articulating exactly how I feel or think. I’m aware my delightful brain can often be a bit more sensitive than others, so my ability to communicate this is important in ensuring that I’m expressing how I feel, rather than just going with the flow.
This is why I love to write. Writing is a safe space for me – a balance between artistic metaphors or creative flairs, paired with the Oxford dictionary, grammatical correctness and formation of sentences. The safety of rules and freedom of expression works very well with my mind. But sometimes, I just can’t write.
This isn’t a writer’s block or lack of stimulus. This is lack of wanting to accept or put permanence behind the thoughts in my head. If I type them into existence, then they’re real.
That’s not to say that my thoughts are bad right now. They’re just thoughts; neither good nor bad. But they’re different to what I’ve been experiencing for the last couple of months.
I finished university last week, and like most graduates during COVID times, there’s a lot to unpack when it comes to thinking about the future and my plans. Not only that, but I’ve been through a couple of tricky situations over the last six months, and I’m still coming to terms with how I feel.
In all fairness, I can give myself credit and say that I’m coping better than expected, but my self doubt is still there. Something I’ve really been working on is breaking the rigid control and expectations I had cultivated during lockdown, whilst equally acknowledging that there’s certain boundaries and processes needed to avoid dipping into the world of no control.
I guess my flowery and around-the-bush way of writing is to say that I’m going through a bit of a change in the seasons right now. I’m experiencing thoughts, feelings and emotions which have been harboured for a while. Again, not good or bad – but they are there. I’m experiencing these thoughts, emotions and feelings, yet I am able to understand they are not me.
I can recognise that what I’m experiencing and thinking isn’t always true. The thoughts I have are often misguided and ill informed (otherwise I’d have aced every exam I’ve ever had.)
With this in mind, I am struggling to write. I’m struggling to put pen to paper, or acrylic nail to keyboard and truly express how my brain is working at the moment. I’m sure with time and hindsight that will change, but I am very much just going through the process now.